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I sent a text message replying to my grandfather's question, "What is your frank opinion of the Apple card's utility vs cards like AMEX (air miles) or Costco VISA (membership at Costco and minor cash back)? Then the family asked our poet uncle, Tim, to make a poem. He did, using Dada, but I felt ChatGPT could do it better. Hence this post.
I have the Apple credit card— not because it’s the best, but because Amex shut the door, and it gleams like a promise I’ll never keep. 2% cashback? Sure, if I Apple Pay my way through life, a tiny boost fed straight into Goldman’s vault, a 4.25% APY whisper, luring me, to be perfectly honest, to buy another Apple thing. Oh, Apple – take my soul in monthly slices, interest-free, so I’ll forget what I spent on that slick rectangle and the earbuds I lost in my couch. They say cashback here is instant— no Wells Fargo power trip, no Regions ransom, just a titanium slab with no numbers, a clean canvas of “Try and steal that, restaurant server.” Online, I click without fear: a changing code like a protective spell, morphing weekly, just enough to say, "I’m not today’s hackable fool.” One tap, and it’s on every Apple device I own—Mac, phone, watch, iPad— like a loyal, digital entourage, ready to help me accidentally buy a new lamp or another subscription. And for the kids? Yes, I can add them, too. They’ll never swipe without me knowing, purchasing requests pinging my phone like a boss fight alert. But let’s face it— this is less about gains, more about a gorgeous interface, a feeling of ease, usability, a soft lie of rewards and a 5% kickback at Walgreens and Panera. Because real rewards? Those are still under lock and key, reserved for the VIPs, the Amex darlings, the true cashback hustlers who trade favors with a nod and leave me in my titanium sandbox, thinking: well, at least it looks good.